I came upon some pictures yesterday afternoon… actually they were given to me. My grandmother had made a book that showed me growing up, pictures and important things placed into a book carefully and with much love. As I paged through the book, I saw something. I saw the 14 year old me. I don’t have it in digital format… otherwise I would probably post it here for the world to see.
But with this picture I realized how big I was back when I was in high school, it made me sad for the 14-year old me. That’s why I didn’t have any dates, or many friends (until my senior year of high school). And I realized… those are the repercussions of why, when you don’t care about yourself, others don’t care about you either. That’s how you get to be 300+ pounds by the age of 25.
And when you are that large, life is different. People don’t look at you, eye contact is minimal and life (or at least my life) is (was) lonely. Even if you have people living with you, contact with the outside world is slim. Store people don’t acknowledge you, help seems to run the other way. But I don’t want to focus on all of the bad things… but just know that there are many more than I can probably even care to list.
After some introspection in the last 24 hours, I have come to the conclusion that this is probably why I have problems looking people in the eye now. I know that they will be looking back at me and I don’t know how to deal with that. The “fat” girl inside says to run, hide – they didn’t like you then, why would they like you now… but the “new” me wants to embrace them and thank each person for looking at me as I am, not as I was.
I don’t know why all of these feelings surfaced by just a picture I found, but alas… they have.
So… here’s what I am asking each of you, my readers, to do…
- When you are walking down the road one day and see someone that may be overweight, look at them and smile. That smile may get them through a hard day, but just knowing that someone out there LOOKED at them, may be a boost of self confidence.
I still have yet to find where these introspective feelings are coming from, or going to, but nevertheless, they are there. I am happy with who I am now and will never be who I was again.
But that’s another blog for another day.