This is a post that’s been flowing through my brain for some time. One day I just started typing and an hour later… here it was. It’s written a little differently than most of my posts. I don’t know why this is, but it was written from my heart… out of frustration, out of confusion, out of fear, out of a longing, and maybe even some hope. After much editing and a few weeks of time that passed, I actually have the guts to post it… so here goes. I hope you enjoy this little window to my soul…
What is dating? What is this ritual that we all go through to find the person that we are meant to be with?
Really… there should be a guidebook for this. But there is nothing. Nothing for a girl to guard her heart, protect her soul and find her way through this overly confusing world. Even for the most confident woman out there, it is almost like waiting just to watch a train wreck happen in your life. But somehow, you just keep going… keep trucking along in the hopes that one single guy will notice you from across the room and have the guts to come up and talk to you.
There is a false sense of reality about dating or finding the person that you are supposed to be with. I have seen all around me loving relationships that work with my family and friends. I have seen love develop in the hearts when you see your favorite characters on television having no problem finding dates… or even being sure of themselves enough to date. You find that every other week a new movie is released showing how couples fall in love (granted, they all really have the same predicable storyline.) You look to the magazines to see what questions to ask yourself when you are looking for the right guy. It’s all supposed to be so easy.
There are the bars & nightclubs, meet and greets, specially created singles groups at church, and even online dating. I am not going into the plusses and minuses of each one of these. There are too many to list… and of that, I mean minuses. I know that for some people that each may work… I totally get that. But in so many cases, the men that you meet just don’t have the same values or the same ideals. Something is always fundamentally wrong. Not all single women are characters from “Sex and the City”… but we are like them in so many ways. We are strong and confident, trying to find our way through the world and spend time with those that we love and care about.
At the beginning of one of my favorite episodes of “Friends”, Chandler asks the group “Is there something repellant about me?” That is a question that I have long wondered about myself. Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Able to love? A big part of it – I think – is from my previous mindset that I was not good enough to be with someone. I know this held me back for years. So many times, I have not had the confidence to look someone in the eye because of low self-esteem. I don’t always know what to say, or what is appropriate, or if I have too much to say. I think sometimes I just feel like I don’t put myself out there enough… but then I wonder how can I do this in my “small”ish town. I wonder what some think of me being 30 and single… as most people that live in this area are in a committed relationship in their early-mid 20’s. It’s almost as if you are an “outcast” if you don’t have a significant other by this time.
But then I think… am I not interesting enough to be with someone?? After all, my life seems to revolve around work, weight loss, and walking. But there IS so much more to me.
I am a Christian, however I don’t reach out enough and share my faith because I am afraid that I might be rejected. I want to care more for the earth to help preserve it for future generations, but yet I don’t recycle enough. I love travel and want to dedicate much more of my life to it, but in the past I lacked the sense of adventure I long for (and really do have now). I could workout for hours if I just didn’t get hungry. I love books, but don’t read enough. I watch the same three televisions shows on DVD, because I just don’t want to turn the TV on just to find something I “might” like. I like going to movies, even though I get scared and anxious easily when the plot becomes uncertain. I feel so misunderstood, even though I write my thoughts out every day. I want to try new foods, but am a creature of habit. I have accomplished many amazing things, but still feel inferior because I need to rely on my dad to help me with the handyman stuff I need done. I fear losing someone close to me in an untimely manner. I wish I dreamt more, but am afraid if I have a dream, it will never happen. I want to go to more sporting events, theater, museums, zoos, and other places where I can see and experience life. I need to continue to learn new things up until the day I die, because if I don’t keep learning… what then do I live for?
But in the end, I know that someday, somehow God will lead me to the person that I am meant to be with. Sometimes I wish it would happen in my time… not His. That is why this is a journey. I need to have patience, to keep praying and preparing my heart. To keep living my life to the fullest that I can, not letting anything slip by, and taking advantage of the things in my life that I have been working to achieve.