Lonely…

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I need to around people. I am social. Let me explain a bit more. As I have said in previous blogs, my roommate moved to Texas in search of employment. While we didn’t do much socially outside of the condo… we still hung out together and talked quite a bit. This is what I miss.

During the week I am ok, I go to the gym (and now interacting with my fellow classmates more often), am out with friends or at the bowling alley with “my” team. But then comes the weekend. Not that I am complaining that I don’t like the time to relax by myself… but I feel like I’ve been talking to myself an awful lot lately. That and I don’t have anyone around to “watch” me eat – or not eat in some cases.

About the food… I’ve found that if I am around people, I hold myself much more accountable (well, maybe not on vacay) than I do in “private”. And now that I live alone again, I am finding temptations becoming much more real all the time. Especially at night and on the weekends. I am now eating out of boredom or loneliness… not sure which… but it sure qualifies as emotional eating (something I’ve always dealt with.) So I am pretty much still above my goal weight by a couple pounds because I’ve been bumping myself between the same 4 pounds for about a month now. It’s really getting a little tiring, and I just need to slap myself back into program mode every few days, hours, minutes….

But as far as being by myself… I have been trying to reach out to friends more on the weekends, but I always feel bad thinking that I might be inturrupting something that they already have going on. I would love to get together with them more often, but for some reason, I just don’t ask. I need to work on that.

So in lieu of doing anything “fun” on Saturday night… I went for one of my drives. Granted, I didn’t go very far (and yes, I wanted to drive until I ran out of gas and just escape reality, but I stayed in the Holland area) but it was a really good way for me to try to clear my head and re-focus on things that I’ve been doing and need to do. During this drive I heard the song “By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North. The words in this song really struck me… God was speaking right to my heart as I’ve been struggling with so many of the things mentioned in this song.

Here are the words to the song…
By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

Chorus:
And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

Needless to say, after hearing and pondering this song, in the last 24 hours I’ve been praying a lot more than I have in the recent past (something I’m not exactly proud to admit)… but hope that by doing that it will ease up some of the anxiety that I’ve been feeling about relationships (or lack thereof), the busyness of life, and simply just things that come up in my day-to-day life.

Off to get “un-bored”…