Overwhelming…

I was just thinking about this the other day. And it really overwhelmed me.

I lost 164 pounds!

Now, I know what you are saying. I’ve talked about my weight loss a lot. But I guess I’ve never really thought about it. I mean 164 pounds is more than what I weigh now. I’ve lost more than 1/2 of myself.

Imagine that you’ve done this — that YOU have lost this much weight. Imagine that you’ve been so overweight for much of your life that you. Imagine that everyone around you can see your accomplishment when you walk into the room. Imagine that you still see yourself as the overweight person you have been when you look in the mirror.

That describes the feelings that I’ve been having lately.

Another strange thing about me and my being overweight and the weight loss that followed was that when I was gaining (and even at my heaviest weights), I thought I looked good. I thought I was beautiful. I never once thought – until walking into Weight Watcher’s that first day – that I could even be close to 300+ pounds.

And then another strange thing happened. Somewhere in my journey I stopped seeing myself as if I was thinner than I actually was, but rather my mind changed it and I began seeing myself as heavier than I was (and on some days, I still do see myself that way).

What made me think about this even more in the past couple of days, was because I was working out at the gym this past Monday morning with a friend of mine (about 3-4 hours before a stomach virus of some sort so graciously decided to reek havoc upon my body). She had been working out beside me on the treadmills and left to get her water bottle. As she came back, she said to me “You’re so tiny.”

I guess I’m still working through all of this. Through the mindset that I *AM* tiny. A mindset that I’m not the timid shy person I used to be hiding behind the layers of fat. A mindset that realizes that I am an “athlete” (as my trainer says)… and that I can run distances that I haven’t ever imagined running in my life. (And as we speak, I’m toying with running a 10k and possibly a 1/2 marathon next year!)

The mind is a strange thing. Even though I lost the weight slowly through lifestyle changes (diet) and exercise, the mind doesn’t necessarily keep up with all of it. I wish I could figure it all out though!