Seeing myself in the mirror…

I saw myself.

I REALLY saw myself.

I look fat.

I feel fat.

I hate this feeling. I hate being so tired. I hate having no motivation. I hate seeing my clothes not fit the way that I want, er… need them too. I hate

And I wanted to cry. Cry tears that would not stop… because as I said last week, I’ve gained some of the weight back. I can no longer say that I’m maintaining a 160 pound weight loss. I can no longer say that I’m half the size I used to be.

But I want to change. I want to be back there so badly. I want to be back in the shape I was when I was working out one-on-one with my personal trainer. I want to not have to pay to go to my Weight Watcher’s meetings.

So with that, I committing to running the Riverbank 25k next year.

Yes, I know I committed to it last year and then chickened out. But this year will be different. I’m starting my running regimen 2 months earlier than I did last year. And I’ll need every minute of that 2 month advance if I’m going to lose this weight at the same time.

Because if I don’t lose some of this weight again… I’m really afraid that I won’t see myself the way I should.

I want to see myself as beautiful. I want others to see me as beautiful.

And right now that just isn’t happening.

I have friends that tell me that I am… and I truly *want* to believe them. I truly *want* to see it in myself.

But maybe if I can do this one thing – lose the weight again and run the 25k – that maybe I can will see it in myself once and for all. Because I really want to.

How do you see yourself?