It’s been a week… or thereabouts… since I last published. Obviously I really didn’t plan to take the time off, but I also didn’t really do anything to schedule anything either. Since I last posted, my feeling about life, weight, relationships and just about anything else you can imagine have been all over the charts. Highs and lows. Hills and valleys. And because I didn’t know how to process a lot of it, I just “receded” into myself.
Because feeling nothing, for me at least, is safe.
Then within the last few days, I began contemplating closing this website and blog down. With where I am currently in life, I told myself, that maybe this was the time to do it. Because no one was listening and I had begun to believe that what I say here doesn’t impact anyone. With the costs and time and energy, it was worth me just walking away.
And I told no one.
Then, yesterday afternoon, a friend reached out to let me know that my words matter and I need to ignore the voice in my head that says I’m not good enough. That no one is perfect and I need to share my stories.
And that I should keep writing.
So I started feeling something. Lots of things really. I felt wanted and heard because someone believed in me (although I know A LOT of people believe in me… it was the timing of this one that struck me so close) and I knew it was God speaking through that person telling me that I have more to share.
But it was more than just the sharing of stories in writing that I was feeling.
There was a time I didn’t know who I was… and today, I’m not feeling very far away from that. I have lost who I was to a point where I am feeling like I am in a maze, as well as lonely and sad quite a bit. It’s no one’s fault… I have just been hiding behind a curtain of weight (in the most real sense of the word) that has been holding me back from a lot of things.
I want more. I want to be a more well rounded (not in the weight sense) person. I want to be healthy and active. I want to learn to love to cook. I want to continue to develop my love for genealogy and photography. I want to work with young women to help them journey through this crazy life and be able to reach their goals. I want to find and do life with someone someday (maybe not right now) because I have it in me to give more of me. I want to find joy in the little things… regularly.
BUT I want to keep being me. And I really want to re-learn who I am.
I don’t know what my 40’s will hold. I want to hold onto the hope that by the time a year or two passes that things will be looking more like the paragraph above. In order to get there, I need to start and keep starting over. Maybe once. Maybe once a week. Maybe twelve times in a day. It doesn’t matter what I’m starting, as long as it aligns with what I want more of.
So I am seeking out more.
Maybe instead of choosing a word for the calendar year like I’ve done in the past (2017’s word was FOCUS)… I think I will chose a word for my 40th year.